Battle for the Ages.

THERE have been many great battles in our time. Ali vs. Frazier. Larry Bird vs. Dominique Wilkins in the 1988 Eastern Conference Finals. LL Cool J vs. Kool Moe Dee. Alien vs. Predator. But these can not prepare you for the incredible battle that takes place during Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. Oh yes, I watched it.

Listen, I'm not talking about the battle between a badly rendered octopus and a shark so puppety it makes the cast of Thunderbirds look downright realistic. Oh no. I'm talking about the battle between the cast of this movie to one-up each other in the championship for the worst acted movie in the history of mankind. I don't know how they did it. I'm not sure how they kept it up. From the minute the movie started it was like a tour de force of forced dialog, strange looks into the distance, and unbelievably awkward romance.

First of all, it opens with a helicopter pilot doing something bad, and here it almost lost me. I was close to just abandoning the whole thing, because this guy was so terrible that I couldn't bear to watch him try to pretend he was really talking to Naval HQ over the radio (who at one point reminded him, over the radio mind you, that this mission was so top secret that if anything should go wrong the government would disavow all knowledge of him).

But then Deborah Gibson showed up. Yes, that Debbie Gibson. And thus I discovered that our friendly helicopter pilot was only preparing me for a battle for the ages. A masterpiece. Actors so wooden you'd think they were carved from trees. It is delicious. From the overbearing boss who fires Debbie in one of the most awkward "I'm supposed to be unlikable" scenes in recent history to the Naval commander who actually says the phrase "When we find the beast, we're sending him to hell!" to the Irish professor whose accent is so random that the script had to constantly remind me he was from Ireland. (And it did.)

There's an incredibly awkward romance between Deborah and the Japanese scientist. There's a painful bunch of extras who are supposed to be military security (who wear their sunglasses even when they're guarding people in a dark room). There's even a submarine commander who's accused by his pilot of being INSANE! But then, along comes Lorenzo Lamas and he reminds us that there will never be any actor so bad with so much work to his name for a reason. The man is amazing. I don't know how he does it. It must be seen to be believed. I'm not even sure what he's supposed to be doing in the movie. Who is he? He appears to be in charge of the military (sometimes) but he's wearing a cheap black suit, sporting a pony tail, and never really seems to tell us who he is. He's generic government boss guy. But he's oh so jerky. He makes racist comments. He makes bad puns. He yells at people over a radio. He calls the Mega Shark "Sharkzilla" for God's sake. It is un-be-liev-able.

And this doesn't even take into account that the movie has, and please, I don't want to oversell this, it has THE GREATEST SCENE EVER PUT TO FILM. When the airline passenger looks out the window and says...no. You HAVE to see this to believe it. You'll know when it happens, and hopefully you'll laugh as hard as I laughed and for so long I was afraid I was going to wake up everyone in the house. It was outstanding. Ok. I'm gonna move on to more stuff.

I like to do some game industry related stuff since I'm, you know, related to the game industry, so I sort of look around for anything game related that is cool enough to post. So, there's this, a documentary called Tilt: The Battle to Save Pinball. Basically the pinball industry has become the video slot machine industry, and these guys were told to revolutionize pinball or they'd be fired, and they did, and then they got fired anyway. It's totally worth watching the trailer for some cool shots of the machine they put together.

So, last week I said the Avatar movie looked "meh" and then made a joke about getting sued by them for that. Well, now someone's suing them. You may not have heard of Delgo (God be with you if you have, or if you've seen it). At the risk of my immortal soul I'm going to put the trailer to it right......here. Careful with it. It will hurt you. But now there's this Delgo vs. Avatar lawsuit going on. Because apparently the people that made Delgo thought that maybe James Cameron ripped off their movie. Um...good luck winning that one. Delgo, by the way, is apparently the Floppiest Flop that ever Flopped. Good read.

Is this a viral trailer for Cloverfield 2? Topless Robot thinks it is, and it is exactly the sort of wacky, low budget viral stuff they put on the web for the original Cloverfield. I'm not buying it yet, but, who knows.

So apparently there are buckets of DC Movies in the works, including a Flash movie, a Bizarro Superman movie, 2 Green Arrow movies, and Shazam, which was supposed to have this guy as a bad guy (playing this guy, which we may have noted before here on the madtoad page). Now, some of this is intriguing to me for different reasons.

The Bizarro movie is apparently being put together by the guys who did Galaxy Quest, so that could be incredibly watchable.

The Flash movie reminds me that at one point in time Ryan Reynolds (who was going to be Deadpool for Marvel, but apparently dumped them to become the new Green Lantern for DC) claimed he loved the Flash (one of his favorite characters ever) and that he was interested in the role. Then...nothing happened, and suddenly he was Deadpool.

One of the Green arrow movies is Supermax, which is an idea I love (which I'm pretty sure we also discussed here before) and there was talk of this guy playing Oliver Queen which is a great idea as far as I'm concerned. But would you do two Green Arrow movies at the same time? What's the other one about? Who would be in it? What story would it tell? Intriguing.

Also, I don't think that Shazam movie is going to be worth the trouble. The problem really is with the concept. See Billy Batson is a little kid who turns into Shazam. Which means, that by default it would have to be a kid's movie. They wouldn't do dark Superman Returns or Batman Begins stuff with a little kid would they? That would be kind of creepy. Though given The Rock's predilection for making kid's movies, maybe that would all work out in the end? Who knows?

But DC is having all kinds of movie trouble. And not just Nolan not being ready to work on Batman 3. Did you know there was a Justice League movie in development and it got canned, partially because of trouble with Australia's economy? That's weird right, but here's the best part. Apparently DC didn't learn their lesson because now Green Lantern is having the same problem! (That link includes what I believe is a photoshopped Ryan Reynolds in a Green Lantern outfit. Outstanding.) And just because I don't think I've mentioned it before, the GL movie is being directed by Martin Campbell. If you don't know who that is, just know that he directed the (awesome) Casino Royale.

See, this is what happens, I go looking for something like Campbell up there to give you guys a nice link and I end up discovering things like Martin Campbell is remaking The Birds. Then I start clicking links and it looks like he's NOT remaking it. Or that the studio pulled the plug, or back burnered it or something (so that link to the movie is just outdated and those things never go away). But then I read that they're remaking Rosemary's Baby (trailer) and that one still seems to be going strong. See, I just get sucked into these things and then it's six hours later and I'm reading the internet and Allison's like "What are you doing?" And I'm like "I don't know..."

So then I was reading about these dudes making both The Birds (which they're not doing now because they can't think of anything cool that birds do, which was strike one, and watch Alfred's movie, I mean it's a masterpiece, the birds don't have to do anything, they just sit around and look creepy and then attack people in big swarms and...forget it. You're clearly not getting it. Hitchcock knew how to make a movie. You two guys...) and Rosemary's Baby (you forgot I paranthesised that sentence up there didn't you? I went on for a while there. Like I'm doing again here. And on top of that I made up a word) which they're being defensive about in that article because someone was saying "don't remake it" and they start lambasting that person by saying "We have this other script that isn't like that movie". Then why call it that? Then they're like "We changed the name to The Sacrifice." Great. Stop calling it the Rosemary's Baby remake then, and don't get so uppity. Chill.

Meanwhile, this is what Chris Nolan is doing: Inception. Again, looks intriguing, but I have no idea what it's about.

So, yeah, there's that.

Then, I thought, all I seem to do is complain about superhero movies and things, so I thought I'd give you a couple of trailers for moies that I am actually looking forward to.

Cemetery Junction as Travis pointed out when he sent me this link (thanks Travis!) this is how a teaser trailer should be done. Doesn't show a single frame of the movie, but I was laughing through most of it and would go watch it based on this alone.

And The Men Who Stare At Goats. That's a bizarre title right? What if I told you Ewan McGregor was in it? Does that pique your interest? How bout if I said Jeff Bridges was in it? Those 2 are nerd poster boys what with one being young Obi-Wan and one being Flynn from Tron. Ok, how bout if I give you Keyser Soze as well? Yeah, he's in it. Oh. And some dude named George. But you know, whatever. This guy's in it, so it's a must see. (And I didn't even mention that the T-1000 and possibly D.B. Cooper were in it). It's like somebody let me cast a movie.

Tuesday is the new Monday.

I don't know what happened there, I was all rolling on Monday posts and now I'm on Tuesdays. It's like days of the week have no meaning for me anymore. Weird right?

I feel that it's my solemn duty as a game developer to bring you information about games, at least every once in a while, so I throw up trailers to games or game website occasionally (as you may have noticed). However, since the recent problems with blog lawsuits and people actually going to court for saying "bad" things about people or products, I'm not going to tell you that I think this trailer looks ridiculous. That might get me in trouble. I'm just going to post this and make a couple of comments. Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker is a new PSP game being released soonish. Now, this is not to say anything bad about it, I'm just pointing out that those 5 words don't go together. It's like somebody has a random English word generator and picked out 5 random words. If Metal Gear Solid wasn't already a license you could look at it and say "Those words don't go together." I mean, really, what do they mean? This is in addition to the "fact" that Metal Gear Solid 2 (Which had a 95% rating from the critics, so, that's good) has quite possibly the most convoluted story line ever written by human beings. It makes War & Peace look like the 3 bears. I mean seriously, just go to that page and try to comprehend the plot. Again, not saying anything bad you lawsuit happy lawyers, just saying, there it is.

What happens when some nerdy mathematicians get together and start discussing things like, say a zombie apocalypse? Well then you get a thoroughly detailed Mathematical analysis of a zombie apocalypse. That's what happens.

James Cameron's Avatar trailer. Not Avatar the Last Airbender. This is the other Avatar movie. It looks....meh. I can't even, I mean, it just...What happened to the dude that made Aliens? And The Abyss? And Terminator? And Terminator 2? And True Lies? And Piranha Part 2: The Spawning? (By the way, possibly the best flying piranha movie ever made). Did the giant piles of money from Titanic make Cameron crazy? I'm going to get sued for that. But I believe, from this trailer, that the (POTENTIAL SPOILERS * WATCH TRAILER BEFORE READING) dude in the wheel chair is scientifically placed in the body of the big blue elf in an effort to spy on the big blue elves so the space marines can attack them, but then he falls in love with big blue elf girl and he doesn't want to betray the big blue elf people and then everybody learns a valuable lesson. That's just my guess, and to be honest, that doesn't sound particularly interesting to me. Maybe it's just me. I'm sure it will be beautiful.

On the other hand, the trailer is up for Venture Bros. Season 4. Man, that show just is so awesome I can't even handle how awesome it is. I need to rewatch the first 3 seasons before it starts just to get myself prepared for it.

How bout a list of the 10 Most Expensive Cars in the world? Tim will be happy to note that the Veyron is number one. My house costs less than, well, all of these cars.

Which means I'll need to buy one of the 10 Least Expensive Cars in America.

Then I'll need insurance. It's cheap to insure these cars. But not these.

I may have posted the shaky cam version of the Wolfman trailer prior to this, but this is the official trailer. And again I say...meh. I don't know what it is, I *like* werewolves. I really do. When I was a kid I liked werewolves more than vampires. I wrote a story outline once for an epic book I was going to write where werewolves killed vampires. But the movie just looks...I don't know. Kind of disjointed? A little dull? I think there's going to be a lot of hand wringing and guilt, and not enough cool werewolfy stuff.

Also, what's up with Anthony Hopkins? It struck me that with Benecio Del Toro as his son, this is the second time Hopkins has been, well, I don't know, sort of a Spanish father I guess? I mean, maybe in Wolfman he had a Spanish wife, which is fine. But I felt like I was seeing him in Zorro again, remember that? Where he was the old Zorro? And was a Spanish Don? And I forgot, he also played Pablo Picasso (born in Spain). He knows he was born in Wales, right? You know what's really weird? He played Othello. Um...you know, one of the central themes of Othello is that Othello's a black guy, right? I guess they decided to ignore that part. Oh, well he did it in blackface apparently. Or maybe he's just really tan. That makes it better, I guess. This appears to be par for the course for British Shakespeare. That's Laurence Olivier.

By the way, looking up Laurence Olivier actually led me to this webpage, which is right up there with the creepy.

Haha! Gotcha!

See how I tricked you there? I had you thinking I was gonna update every Monday, but then BAM! I hit you with a post on a Tuesday night. I know you were all hanging on the edge of your seats, right? Right.

Anyway, I continued to dodge the bullet that is GI Joe by having the kids go see Ponyo on Saturday. Which, by the way I believe I actually predicted a few posts ago when I put the Ponyo trailer up. It's adorable, magical, amusing, and very, very Japanese.

You know what might be even more asinine than a ridiculous remake that no one needs to do? How about a prequel to the ridiculous remake that you already made and it flopped. Apparently they're in script review for a prequel to the horrible Jason Statham remake of Death Race 2000. Don't think that I blame Statham for that. I love the dude, he does great action flicks, but the new Death Race was "meh" at its best and "why am I here?" at its worst.

And while Statham will hopefully not be involved the sexy sci-fi siren Milla Jovovich (who apparently can't get enough of Resident Evil movies) is doing something called "The Fourth Kind". In case you're wondering what that title means, check out this and refresh your memory. (That trailer's kinda creepy, no?)

Did I mention the USFL is coming back apparently?

I can't tell what's more awesome here, either the Patrick Warburton voice-overs or the actual burgers themselves.

Allie read this book and liked it and now it's a movie. Directed by that dude that did Lord of the Rings. By the way, he also produced District 9, which I have to say was extremely fantastic. It's depressing that Transforminators (They're eating all our sand!) will make 10x more money than it will.

This might be the creepiest thing ever.

First of all, the headline on this next link, taken out of context, just evokes giggles in me. Secondly, wanna see a building do a flip? Of course you do.

Oh look, the entire alphabet.

15 different ways to tie your shoes. Or something. I have no idea why these things fascinate me.

So apparently, Nicholls State University's old mascot (they're called the Colonels) was racist. Or something. You can see him here in this article. So they decided to update it. This is what they came up with. Apparently now he's a communist video game boss from the late 80's. What's most amusing about this is how hard it is to actually find a picture of the old mascot (a google image search turned up almost nothing for 5 pages). Or perhaps it's the fact that there are dozens of articles about this controversy, but most of them don't show any comparison of the two mascots. This one, for example, shows neither the old nor the new mascot (though it does show the guy the actual mascot was based on). What ever happened to journalism?

Probably the same thing that's happening to the movie industry. Shamelessly stolen from a Travis email: Sometimes Hollywood forgets they already made a movie.

I have serious GI Joe issues.

I wish I could Dan Shanoff my way into writing a post a day but I just don't have that kind of free time. To be fair, Shanoff does that for a living, writing a post a day for Sports Illustrated, so I guess if that was all I had to do everyday I could probably pull one together. And he takes weekends off.

That being said, this is going to be the third week in a row that I've put up a new post on a Monday. Well, technically this is going up Sunday night, but that's fairly consistent for me.

Atkins is like the best diet ever with the exception of the fact that I don't have anything to drink except tea, water or coffee. It's like I'm imprisoned on an airplane in 1974. I can't even have milk. I can have heavy cream, but that's not so much for drinking. The food though, is exquisite. Bacon, shrimp, garlic, heavy cream and Parmesan cheese came together Saturday night for a little brouhaha and they were so fantastic I almost forgot I was drinking my 734^th gallon of unsweet tea with them. Vaden, thanks for the recipe.

One of the things I can't have, back to my problem with the drinks, is sodas. That's mostly because I can't get over the horrid aftertaste that all natural sweeteners seem to have conspired to have, or I could drink diet sodas, but that's neither here nor there. What is here (and there) is this awesome soda fountain that's making it's debut in like 10 Jack in the Box chains somewhere in Atlanta (maybe?) that dispenses something like 100 different drinks. The video contains some foul language from the kids there who are mystified by it's magical properties, so be forewarned.

Oh, I'm still not done complaining about the GI Joe movie, by the way. You wanna know how much they've sold out? They're selling sneakers now. Awesome. (Note: I still haven't seen the travesty myself yet, but Kayla and Brandon will help me survive it on Saturday).

This version of the GI Joe movie I would have watched, btw.

Iron Man 2 footage. Watch it quick before somebody loses their mind and removes it.

I'm stuck on the Joe's now. Check out some topnotch humor (I know it's old) from McSweeney's. A Cobra Grunt's Diary. My favorite entry: June 28, 1987 We sure seem to have a lot of ninjas on the COBRA payroll.

Also, there's a new diary up by the same guy. I agree with the IO9 writers. I want him to script the next movie.

Sci-fi Wire has an interview with the screen writers of Star Trek (awesome) about the sequel and who or what might be in it. Right now they're sure they're going to put the quote “He's dead, Jim.” in there. Which I'm all in favor of. We might also see this guy play Harry Mudd. Which is cool, but, you know, not really action-y enough for me. I'd rather see Khan. Maybe from this guy? Feel free to lambast me for that idea, but I'll make my arguments later if you do. Possibly, say, next Monday? Let's see how the comments go.

Insanewich is insane!

It only took you a week to get your capital letters back. You can thank Mr. Tact for that. What's been happening? Well, our AC went out, which is fun in Texas in August. 96 degrees in the house is not a good look, you know?

Doctor put me on the Atkins, so I'm carb free for a while, we'll see if I can stay on it and lose some weight and not be a borderline diabetic. So if you see me, don't offer me candy. Or cookies. Or cake. Or sugar in those little sugar packets. Or fried things. If you have meat I'll accept that. Just meat. Or cheese, cheese is good. Or if you carry around some deviled eggs, or maybe some green beans. I eat a lot of bacon now. Bacon is good.

Steak, Bacon, Pork Chops, Chicken Wings, Sausage, Green Beans, Spinach, Eggs, Omelets, Cheese, Pork Rinds and unsweet Tea. This is a diet I may be able to handle. What I can't have, is an Insanewich:

Insanewich's are Insane!

Planet Hulk. Teh Awesome.

Interesting Sync Up between Back to the Future I & II where they had to replace the original girlfriend with Elizabeth Shue. Zemeckis had to reshoot a lot of that, and kept it pretty accurate to his original script even 4 years later. It's weird that Claudia Wells just sort of disappeared isn't it? Her mother got cancer apparently, but she just sort of vanished for 20 years after that.

Mini-Ninjas. Now here's a game I'm looking forward to. Thanks to Eli for the tip...

I probably posted this music catch game before, but I dig it, so this may or may not be unoriginal content.

Nice physics puzzle game called Collider.

Stargate Universe trailer. I didn't care for Stargate but other people I know did. It's weird seeing Lou Diamond Phillips there, isn't it? He's like the new, young Adama from BSG. Or something.

Amazing beach art.

capital punishment.

since no one cares what i think (clearly, cause you don't comment on my blog, and seriously, it's the only currency my blog has, so you know, throw me a frikkin bone people!) i'm punishing you all by refusing to use capital letters. i know, i know, capital letters means you're yelling, so consider this like the silent treatment. only it's the undercase letter treatment. you'll get your capitals back when i'm good and ready.

movies i'm looking forward to:

tr2n, which has now thankfully been renamed tron legacy or some such rot. Who cares? it's got jeff bridges (the original flynn) and looks pretty darn cool. how come nobody does good sequel names anymore, like aliens, or....actually, sequel names aren't usually very good are they? i guess they could have called it trons... (how come bruce boxleitner's not in it? is he busy? does scarecrow and mrs. king still come on? i don't think it does.)

book of eli. denzel washington being all cool and stuff in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. gary oldman being a creepy bad guy. mila kunis being all actiony and stuff. word.

tv i'm looking forward to:

amc is doing a remake of the prisoner. i used to like watching this but didn't understand it until i was much older. looks cool though. it has magneto and that dude that could talk to dennis quaid thirty years in the past on his ham radio. good music too. that trailer is 9 minutes, btw, so save it til you have some time. also, if you're interested, you can apparently watch the entire 1967 series here.

random miscellany:

if you could travel back in time what would you do? you could go to hollywood and make movies, couldn't you? i could. i'd go and write awesome scripts like star wars and usual suspects and cast awesome 50's actors in the parts, and they wouldn't be nearly as good, but it would make me laugh. (i could see bogart and peter lorre and maybe ronald reagan or somebody in the 1940's version of usual suspects, right?) well, somebody decided they'd make ghostbusters in the 40's/50's and they even made a trailer!

ridiculously interesting clip on the history of gi joe, leading up to how we got the movie we're about to loathe. a few things of note:

- 0:21 seconds into the clip - that's a cartoon of a guy punching his fist through another guy. i'm almost sure of it.
- 0:23 gratuitous plastic white tiger...was that a gi joe figure?
- 0:40 robert mitchum movie "the story of gi joe" is the namesake for the figure. ooh, i need to put robert mitchum in my usual suspects movie.
- 0:59 there's a slight village people feel going on here, but...is that dude in the front a black panther?
- 1:13 that ridiculous beard. i had one of those. that beard was fuzzy.
- 1:17 the red beard. man, that doesn't look right. he should see a doctor.
- 1:24 kung fu grip.
- 1:41 the new 8" super joe lineup apparently includes no budget for "clothes". they are rocking some sweet leopard print boxers though. nice.
- 1:56 that second comic that comes out on your screen is gi joe #21, one of the greatest comic books of all time (imo). it has no dialog. it is a 22 page ninja (snake-eyes) infiltrating a cobra base to rescue scarlet (again, i'm not bitter about the romance plot that's being ruined in the movie. no, wait, yes i am.)
- 2:23 that guy calls out ripcord like he was one of the main dudes, because they put him in the movie. but while snake eyes and scarlet were both series 1 figures (1982) and duke was a series 2 figure (1983), ripcord didn't exist until 1984. and he was so popular he was discontinued in 86. nice.
- 2:44 the gi joe drug elimination force? really? did we sell that to kids? also, the dude doing the voiceover says "takes on the growing drug trade". like kids were pretending their joe's were battling in colombia over cocaine fields? really? does anyone remember this?
- 3:10 i remember sigma 6 (vaguely) but i don't remember either of those movies.
- 3:26 nice gratuitous boob shot of the baroness. thank you sienna miller.
- 3:53 and it's done.

final cast for 1940's usual suspects:

alan ladd ... michael mcmanus (in 1994, stephen baldwin)
cary grant ... dean keaton (in 1994, gabriel byrne)
boris karloff ... fred fenster (in 1994, benicio del toro)
peter lorre ... todd hockney (in 1994, kevin pollack)
humphrey bogart ... roger 'verbal' kint (in 1994, kevin spacey)
ronald reagan ... dave kujan (in 1994, chazz palminteri)
robert mitchum ... kobayashi (in 1994, pete postelthwaite)
lloyd bridges ... jack baer (in 1994, giancarlo esposito)
lauren bacall ... edie fineran (in 1994, suzy amis)
spencer tracy ... jeff rabin (in 1994, dan hedaya)

and yes, i spent half an hour looking people up for this movie. sue me. you would have watched this.

I'm just going to keep ranting.

At this point I've given up on anything on this blog except me being angry at Hollywood movies. Why? Because it's something I care about and I just don't understand the pure crazy that spews out of Producers/Directors/Actors sometimes. I get that they don't care about the franchises I care about, but I don't get how they don't like money. The Dark Knight is filled with money. You know why? Because they made people like me happy. Bat-Guano-Crazy Batman fans were happy and look, a good movie, and look, money. Lots of it.

So it's inexplicable to me that the GI Joe movie even exists. Here's a nice ranty review from someone who saw a sneak preview. I have no reason not to believe everything this guy says. Why? Well, shortly after the review several "spoiler" filled reviews hit the web. About 5 in 6 of them were glowing, "OhmygoshIcan'tbelievehowGOODthatwas", Go see it in theaters it's totally worth the money reviews. Why does this make me suspicious? Well, I've seen the trailer...

But what makes the ranty review up there so more likely to be accurate is the fact that he is telling basically the same story the gushy happy awesome reviews are, except he doesn't sound like an idiot saying things like "Oh, my gosh this might be the greatest action movie EVER!!!11!!"

I could spend all day listing my problems with GI Joe, but I'm gonna just point out 3 things, then I'll rant about something else (Green Lantern, so if you don't care just go to google and look for anything more interesting than me ranting about Hollywood for 3 pages).

1.) Look at this logo. That's from the Cartoon Episode Guide. What does it say there right below GI Joe. It says "A Real American Hero" right? Except that inexplicably, in the movie, GI Joe is made up of the best soldiers from 10 NATO countries. Um...why? Oh, right. You don't care about our source material. Thanks for making that clear up front.

2.) Romance subplots - a.) Duke and the Baroness once almost got married. Wh-Wh-Wha?!?!? No, thanks, didn't need that. That's a stupid movie cliche, and thank you Director and screen writer for reminding me why you're hollywood hacks. Of course the totally hot bad guy chick and the main character good guy dude used to be in love. Why wouldn't they be. There's only 6 billion people on the planet. It makes perfect sense that those 2 people would end up in this situation. Riiiiight.

b.) Scarlet and (not Snake-Eyes) Ripcord. See, Snake-Eyes and Scarlet have always been a thing, in the comics, the cartoon, in the whole backstory of GI Joe. He's mute and silent and the best character in the show (we were kids, and he was a ninja, there was no way he wasn't ending up the coolest character in the show) and she was the totally hot red head (again, we were kids, of course she was the hottest chick on the show. She had a crossbow for God's sake.) They had a cool relationship where they never got together but you could tell they both wanted to. It was extremely subtle for a kid's franchise, and maybe one of the best things a cartoon/comic/toyline ever pulled off in the subtlety department. Seriously they should get an award for that somehow, I'm not even sure how they did it, but ask any GI Joe fan and they'll know. So who's Ripcord? Who knows? Some cheap crappy knockoff Joe character they made up for the movie, or ripped from one action figure 9 toy lines ago that nobody remembers or cares about. But he's played by Marlon Wayons (God help me, I don't want to hate Marlon, he's not even a bad actor, but between this and the Dungeons and Dragons movie it's like I killed his parents in a past life or something and now he's haunting me) and Marlon Wayons is chatty, and of course the writer and director of this movie believe subtlety is for French movies about red bicycles and we'll be having none of that, so Scarlet likes Ripcord. Great.

3.) Destro is Scottish, and his family hates the French, apparently because of something that happened 500 years ago, and this is why he blows up the Eifel Tower. Ok. Sure. Why not. But nobody likes the French. I mean, we've made it an American tradition (remember when we were calling them Freedom Fries?) So with the International Joes, Destro, the Villain, pardon me, the Scottish Villain may be the most American person in the movie. I'm not sure that's a good move on the movie's part. Movie, you might want to rethink that.

I'm already prepared for this to be bad, so let's just move on.

Green Lantern? Ryan Reynolds? Maybe?

Look, there's a Cartoon Green Lantern movie hanging out (That's the first 5 minutes of it) and it looks pretty good. Is there any hope that the movie will be that good? I don't know. I like Ryan Reynolds. I'm disappointed that this means probably no Deadpool movie. I love Deadpool. But it's Marvel and Green Lantern is DC and I'm sure neither side is gonna let him do both. But hey, Green Lantern is definitely more mainstream than Deadpool, so this is probably the right call on his part.

I just hope it's not a horrible CGI fest of bad green graphics, and seriously, I wish they'd skip the whole backstory, because do you really care? An alien gave him a ring, cool? Ok, can we get to the action??

Green Lantern, the greatest high concept in comics history: "A space policeman fights crime with the help of his magic wishing ring." Don't screw that up.

Anyway, here's pictures of nails.

Speaking of DC products, here's the packaging for the Wonder Twins.

And these are really awesome and funny reviews of Sky Mall Products.

This is better than the entire 23 hours of the Transformers movie.

And in honor of Michael Jackson's demise, here is the Eternal Moonwalk.