Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Clearly Hollywood is not reading my blog...

Because if they were, they would have noted my lambasting of remaking movies that weren't that good to begin with. However, what Hollywood is doing now is remaking this movie. You may have heard of it, some of us have even seen it, but there's no one anywhere clamoring for a remake. Trust me on this. Full article here.

On the other hand, someone just optioned this property. Which sounds cool. A detective who makes people forget they ever met him? That's kind of interesting.

Some artwork on this page might be not safe for work but this might be, and I don't want to exaggerate this claim, but this might be the GREATEST IDEA FOR A BOOK, EVER.

If they have fixed my complaints with the first one, this might be the greatest video game of all time. (I know, I'm prone to hyperbole).

This dude is the GREATEST BIKER OF- ah, forget it. I'm just gonna let this dude's video do what it does. Which is mostly make me cringe every time he's flying ten feet in the air on a bike cause I'm thinking about how badly I'd sprain my ankle ever time he does a trick.

Brilliant Logos. Some of these are downright freaky in their genius.

I have no idea what's going on here. This guy apparently won a contest or something, and now he's trying to make a CG Batman movie set 10 years after Dark's not bad for creepiness, but, you know, the lack of movement sort of makes me worry, cause making CG characters move around and look good while they do it is not easy.

I find this, to be perfectly blunt, to be suspiciously similar to this. Except if Wesley Snipes was a Japanese school girl. Which come to think of it should make it the greatest movie ever...

Monday, April 20, 2009

Clearly this is new content.

I'm glad that the Order of the Stick is back together.

I'm not glad that I watched this movie. It's bad. It's beyond bad. It's filled with bad acting. It's a bad story. It's based on a true story. And it's still bad. I want to like Eliza Dushku, (She was the daughter from True Lies, and one of the main characters in Bring It On, which is a wholly underrated movie, btw) plus she's in a lot of Joss Whedan stuff, and I like Joss Whedan stuff (if you still haven't seen Firefly, or at least the 11 episodes that were made, then I don't know what to tell you, you're missing some of the best television ever made.

But with every movie she's in lately it's like a cry for help. She's sending me some kind of signal to let me know that not only does she not want me to like her, but that she doesn't want anyone to like her. Ever. For any reason. This movie is a testament to that. If my wife and I are laughing at your ludicrous movie and, literally, hoping that something bad happens to the people in it, then something's wrong. There's a scene near the end where Eliza is standing somewhere trying to look crazy (which she's bad at, which hurts this movie tremendously since it's the story of her character descending into madness, except she always looks like she's descending into the discomfort of constipation) and she's got a pistol in her hand, and I casually asked, "Is she going to shoot herself?" And Allie said, "God, I hope so." That pretty much summed up the movie for me.

You all know that the Snuggie is just a robe turned backwards right? Ok, just wanted to make sure we're all clear on that.

Seriously, because people will try to sell you anything.

Especially if they make a commercial and make it sound exciting.

I mean, they might try to sell you like, jump ropes, without the rope. I'm serious. Stop buying this stuff. Seriously.

I love 70's and 80's era television. I love Star Wars. I love these:

Dallas. Airwolf. MacGuyver.

Star Trek Dallas. Star Trek A-Team.

Star Trek Loveboat? Ok, now they're just getting silly.

Trailer #3 for Harry Potter and the (Adjective) (Noun) (I don't know. I stopped reading the books right around the time they became big enough to hollow out and plant ferns in) is long and makes the movie look epic (read: long). Please note that the green warning screen at the front of that trailer is there to warn you that this movie contains mild sensuality. Well. There you are. I'm not creeped out by that at all.

If you're not terrified by this then I don't know what to tell you. Someone spent a lot of time on this, and that person apparently has access to a lot of old technological gizmos and has the capacity to use them to do whatever he wants. I know I'm scared.

So the people who used to make Batman apparently shot a pilot for a Wonder Woman show. You have to believe me when I tell you that this is ludicrous beyond any description I could give it. Eat your roughage.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

For realz. It's an update.

My goal now is just to ramble. I was talking to some people today at Plucker's, and by the way, I do so love chicken that I use a Plucker's card, and you should get one, cause really, I can't even imagine how much money it's saving me, and...where was I?

Oh, yeah, I was at Plucker's talking about Bill Simmons columns on ESPN page 2, and I was telling them that they used to be really good, and then they sort of fell off for a while, and somebody pointed out that the Mailbags were still pretty good, and it reminded me that my favorite thing that Simmons used to do was the Ramblings.

So, about once a week or so if I can manage it I'm just going to attempt to do some rambling.

Like, here's one, apparently Disney's only ever made one movie, and they've been tracing it ever since. Thanks to for the link to that.

Maybe that's what happened...I posted that link that time telling everyone where I was getting all my links and now no one cares what I write because you're all just out there reading all those other web pages.

I like Mike Judge, who brought us Beavis & Butthead, Office Space, and Idiocracy. I like Jason Bateman. I even like Ben Affleck (his best role is still in this movie). So, I'll probably enjoy this movie. (I especially like Mila Kunis, but that's because she's supercute and used to play World of Warcraft regularly.)

I'm now cautiously optimistic about the new Star Trek movie. I think Karl Urban was an inspired choice for McCoy now that I've seen this clip. You should watch all the clips, but Urban does that voice thing that DeForest Kelley used to be so good at, where he sounds growly and his voice is elongated on some's really like watching a young Bones go to work. I can't wait to hear him say, "He's dead Jim."

(By the way, thinking about DeForest Kelley always reminds me of this movie.)

The following properties are in active development as remakes: Arthur, Romancing the Stone, Back to School (!), Meatballs, Footloose, Near Dark, Logan's Run, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I'd link all those to IMDB but it's time consuming. Look em up if you don't know what they are.
Some of these I can see...Footloose? They'll just get a bunch of 90210 teens and redo this movie, only with modern music and an increasingly unbelievable storyline (in the early 80's you could imagine a little town where dancing was outlawed. These days? Really?). Meatballs will either flop horribly without a Bill Murray to drive it, or they'll turn it into the next American Pie by filling it with gratuitous nudity. Logan's Run? Sure, update classic sci-fi with better special effects, I have no problem with that. But Back to School? That was a Rodney Dangerfield vehicle. That is to say, that movie was just a showcase for Rodney to be Rodney. Why would you remake that? And who would you put in it? Do we have anybody who could fill that role? Is there an aging comedian out there that could pull this off? Remember they replaced Rodney with Jackie Mason in the second Caddyshack and it flopped horribly. (Yes, I'm sorry, a second Caddyshack movie does exist. I know. It hurts me too.) And Rocky Horror? Really? REALLY???

Which brings me to a rant I've been wanting to do for some time, which is really about I Am Legend, which is a remake of a remake of a movie based on a novel. I've been reading a lot of Richard Matheson recently (He wrote Hell House, The Incredible Shrinking Man, and a host of other things, including the novel the Kevin Bacon movie, Stir of Echoes is based on, and the episode of Twilight Zone with the monster on the wing of the plane and Captain Kirk freaking out (see, I brought it back around to Star Trek).

He also wrote I Am Legend. I'm going to totally ruin the plot here, but the book's been around for more than 50 years and for God's sake there's 3 movies, so if you don't know what's up with this story you only have yourself to blame. In the book, the main character is the only human left, and he's been hunting the vampires and killing them, and through a series of wacky misunderstandings the vampires capture and kill him. In the book he dies peacefully, realizing that he's become the legend of the vampire to the vampires, in essence, he's the guy that comes while they're sleeping and kills them in their sleep, which is what human vampire myths are about, so he's their myth of a vampire, the creepy monster that shows up get the idea.

So he's realizing that he's the legend, and thus the title of the book. With the exception of the Vincent Price movie from 1964 (appropriately enough entitled: "The Last Man on Earth") where they kind of got the idea right, but then had Price go out in a blaze of glory instead of dying peacefully, the movies have all failed to see the poignancy in this cool little story, and instead they make action movies with Will Smith and Charlton Heston.

By the way, the vampires in the 1972 movie, appropriatley titled: "The Omega Man", are all convinced they became vampires because of our overuse of technology. So they're Luddites. Can you imagine how things went for them when the spokesman for the NRA showed up screaming at them with his inhuman beard and a trunk full of guns? Yeah, it goes exactly like that.

By the way, they're remaking Conan and seriously, they have a poster and a webpage, but no script, no director, and no actors signed. Well, they're trying to convince the Governator to do a cameo, but seriously, no script? I'm afeared.

As an aside I would totally watch a Conan movie starring The Rock. Didn't Arnie pass the torch to Dwayne in The Rundown? How is he not playing Conan. I would watch that movie in a heartbeat. In fact, bring me The Rock and Vin Diesel and let's make an awesome movie and be done with it. I don't care if they're buddies (Conan and his bestest buddy) killing countrysides full of cultists, or make Vin the bad guy and they have an epic sword fight at the end. I demand this movie get made. But instead we're probably going to get a bunch of unknowns. Or worse, they'll get Zach Efron to play the young Conan and I'll try not to gouge my own eyes out with a cheese grater.

I'm a little freaked out that we have a pirate problem going on in the world. I mean seriously, it's like the 1700's are back with a vengeance.

Well, this was inevitable. The Celtics and the Bulls are still playing, and the Pistons Cavs game has already started. What the heck? C'mon NBA, there's only 4 games today! Can we not let one end before we start another one? Chicago and Boston went to overtime, but the Cavs game started while this game was in the 4th quarter. It's not like they couldn't have waited, there's nothing else going on! It's the PLAYOFFS! I'd like to see all the games. That's all I'm saying.

I'm so glad we have crazy named people back in Austin politics. I long for the days of Brewster McCracken and Jack Stick. Lately we've had people with regular names. But aren't those great names? Brewster McCracken? Jack Stick? Wouldn't they be great characters? Brewster McCracken could be a Bond villain. Jack Stick is the guy that braved the Jungles of South America to find the missing Aztec idol of storms.

Here's an excerpt from the local paper:

That lineup could be the most competitive since the 1994 race, in which Bruce Todd beat Daryl Slusher by about 1,300 votes, former Austin political consultant Mike Blizzard said.

The poltical consultant is MIKE BLIZZARD!!! How awesome is that?

Anyway, I've been lamenting the lack of cool names until I saw the other day that somebody running for something (I don't even really care what) is named Gunnar Ristrophe. That's an awesome name. Go Gunnar.

Oh, and if you didn't know, the mayor of Austin? Will Wynn.