At this point I've given up on anything on this blog except me being angry at Hollywood movies. Why? Because it's something I care about and I just don't understand the pure crazy that spews out of Producers/Directors/Actors sometimes. I get that they don't care about the franchises I care about, but I don't get how they don't like money. The Dark Knight is filled with money. You know why? Because they made people like me happy. Bat-Guano-Crazy Batman fans were happy and look, a good movie, and look, money. Lots of it.
So it's inexplicable to me that the GI Joe movie even exists. Here's a nice ranty review from someone who saw a sneak preview. I have no reason not to believe everything this guy says. Why? Well, shortly after the review several "spoiler" filled reviews hit the web. About 5 in 6 of them were glowing, "OhmygoshIcan'tbelievehowGOODthatwas", Go see it in theaters it's totally worth the money reviews. Why does this make me suspicious? Well, I've seen the trailer...
But what makes the ranty review up there so more likely to be accurate is the fact that he is telling basically the same story the gushy happy awesome reviews are, except he doesn't sound like an idiot saying things like "Oh, my gosh this might be the greatest action movie EVER!!!11!!"
I could spend all day listing my problems with GI Joe, but I'm gonna just point out 3 things, then I'll rant about something else (Green Lantern, so if you don't care just go to google and look for anything more interesting than me ranting about Hollywood for 3 pages).
1.) Look at this logo. That's from the Cartoon Episode Guide. What does it say there right below GI Joe. It says "A Real American Hero" right? Except that inexplicably, in the movie, GI Joe is made up of the best soldiers from 10 NATO countries. Um...why? Oh, right. You don't care about our source material. Thanks for making that clear up front.
2.) Romance subplots - a.) Duke and the Baroness once almost got married. Wh-Wh-Wha?!?!? No, thanks, didn't need that. That's a stupid movie cliche, and thank you Director and screen writer for reminding me why you're hollywood hacks. Of course the totally hot bad guy chick and the main character good guy dude used to be in love. Why wouldn't they be. There's only 6 billion people on the planet. It makes perfect sense that those 2 people would end up in this situation. Riiiiight.
b.) Scarlet and (not Snake-Eyes) Ripcord. See, Snake-Eyes and Scarlet have always been a thing, in the comics, the cartoon, in the whole backstory of GI Joe. He's mute and silent and the best character in the show (we were kids, and he was a ninja, there was no way he wasn't ending up the coolest character in the show) and she was the totally hot red head (again, we were kids, of course she was the hottest chick on the show. She had a crossbow for God's sake.) They had a cool relationship where they never got together but you could tell they both wanted to. It was extremely subtle for a kid's franchise, and maybe one of the best things a cartoon/comic/toyline ever pulled off in the subtlety department. Seriously they should get an award for that somehow, I'm not even sure how they did it, but ask any GI Joe fan and they'll know. So who's Ripcord? Who knows? Some cheap crappy knockoff Joe character they made up for the movie, or ripped from one action figure 9 toy lines ago that nobody remembers or cares about. But he's played by Marlon Wayons (God help me, I don't want to hate Marlon, he's not even a bad actor, but between this and the Dungeons and Dragons movie it's like I killed his parents in a past life or something and now he's haunting me) and Marlon Wayons is chatty, and of course the writer and director of this movie believe subtlety is for French movies about red bicycles and we'll be having none of that, so Scarlet likes Ripcord. Great.
3.) Destro is Scottish, and his family hates the French, apparently because of something that happened 500 years ago, and this is why he blows up the Eifel Tower. Ok. Sure. Why not. But nobody likes the French. I mean, we've made it an American tradition (remember when we were calling them Freedom Fries?) So with the International Joes, Destro, the Villain, pardon me, the Scottish Villain may be the most American person in the movie. I'm not sure that's a good move on the movie's part. Movie, you might want to rethink that.
I'm already prepared for this to be bad, so let's just move on.
Green Lantern? Ryan Reynolds? Maybe?
Look, there's a Cartoon Green Lantern movie hanging out (That's the first 5 minutes of it) and it looks pretty good. Is there any hope that the movie will be that good? I don't know. I like Ryan Reynolds. I'm disappointed that this means probably no Deadpool movie. I love Deadpool. But it's Marvel and Green Lantern is DC and I'm sure neither side is gonna let him do both. But hey, Green Lantern is definitely more mainstream than Deadpool, so this is probably the right call on his part.
I just hope it's not a horrible CGI fest of bad green graphics, and seriously, I wish they'd skip the whole backstory, because do you really care? An alien gave him a ring, cool? Ok, can we get to the action??
Green Lantern, the greatest high concept in comics history: "A space policeman fights crime with the help of his magic wishing ring." Don't screw that up.
Anyway, here's pictures of nails.
Speaking of DC products, here's the packaging for the Wonder Twins.
And these are really awesome and funny reviews of Sky Mall Products.
This is better than the entire 23 hours of the Transformers movie.
And in honor of Michael Jackson's demise, here is the Eternal Moonwalk.
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